Thursday, November 13, 2008
just had a revelation on a problem i had since early this year that i have been struggling with, the problem between human strength and relying on God
after being very inspired by the idea of proactivity that i had the power to choose despite my circumstances, feelings and state, i quite blindly followed the idea of achieving things through human strength, identifying what means the most to me, and doing it, which ultimately lead to my very high points in my walk with God. and this idea went quite deeply into my heart as it really did work!
but then a sermon i heard directly countered whatever goodness i thought was in me, where it revealed all that was good in me was by God and his restriction and grace, that if i was totally devoid of his restriction, i would make hitler look like a saint.
so i was torn between totally relying on God for everything and trusting my strength in choice. and i have had an extreme up and down year in terms of my walk, maybe because i was relying on my strength too much.
i am now pretty convinced i have no power in me, after trying to live without God for a month or so, i realized that without God i do not have strength to make the right choices even after struggling with some for a really long time. and now only by His power have i been able to study for my exams well, and live my life a little less pathetically.
exams end on monday. i am not going to havoc mode after that and repeat my past months all over again.
